Portrait of the Artist as a Young Cynic
by Peter W. Guerin
Summary: Jane and Tom go to Springs on Long Island's East End to see where Jackson Pollock and Willem de Koonig lived.


PORTRAIT OF THE ARTIST AS A YOUNG CYNIC A Daria Fan Fiction Story (Part of the "Daria: The OAV's" Series) by Peter W. Guerin ================================================================ 

With apologies to Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis. 

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AUTHOR'S DISCLAIMER AND ACKNOWLEDGMENTS 

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None of this ever happened. This story is entirely a work of fiction. As for continuity within the Daria: the OAV's series, this story takes place after the events of "Suffer the Children". 

The author would like to acknowledge the following materials that he used in researching this story: 

Naifeh, Steven, and Gregory White Smith. "Jackson Pollock: An American Saga" (New York: Clarkson N. Potter, 1989). 

Biography of Jackson Pollock in the 1956 edition of "Current Biography Yearbook" (New York: H. W. Wilson Company). 

Biography of Willem de Koonig in the 1984 edition of "Current Biography Yearbook" (New York: H. W. Wilson Company). 

"Hagstrom Suffolk County Atlas, Second Large Scale Edition" (Maspeth, New York: Hagstrom Map Co., Inc., 1990). 

"Hagstrom Nassau County Atlas, Second Large Scale Edition" (Maspeth, New York: Hagstrom Map Co., Inc., 1990). 

"8 Killed in 2 L. I. Auto Crashes; Jackson Pollock Among Victims." "New York Times", August 12, 1956, pp. 1, 29. 

Obituary of Willem de Koonig in the 1997 edition of "Current Biography Yearbook" (New York: H. W. Wilson Company). 

The author would also like to thank Michelle Klein-Häss for some information about her husband Richie Häss. 

All "Daria" characters are © 1993, 1997, 2000 MTV Networks, a division of Viacom International, Inc. All Rights Reserved. 

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HOW TO USE THIS DOCUMENT 

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All notes in this document are in parenthetical citation format. The number in parentheses refers to the appropriately numbered endnote in the "Endnotes" section of this document. 

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AUTHOR'S DEDICATION 

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This story is dedicated to former Suffolk County Executive Patrick G. "Pat" Halpin, only the second Democrat to serve in the position (1988-1991), and who bravely vetoed the proposal that would have abolished the Suffolk County Legislature and restored the old Suffolk County Board of Supervisors. 

This story is also respectfully dedicated to long-time Suffolk County Legislator Steve Levy (D-Holbrook) of the 8th Legislative District, where I used to live before moving Upstate. 

Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?--"Who will keep the keepers themselves?" --Ancient Roman proverb. 

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WELL IT'S ACT 1 FOR THE MONEY 

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(The usual "Daria" opening sequence begins as "You're Standing on My Neck" by Splendora begins to play, and we see Daria not laughing with the rest of the crowd at a movie theater at a funny scene. At gym class, during a volleyball game, Daria and Jane let the volleyball get past them, while Samantha Morris, the gym teacher, scowls at them. Kevin and Brittany are blocking Daria's locker; Daria gets out a "panic alarm", consisting of compressed air that lets out an ear-piercing blast when activated. Kevin and Brittany clear out as Daria goes to her locker. At a football game, Daria is the only one not cheering. At gym class again, Daria and Jane let the volleyball go past them again, causing Ms. Morris to scowl at them again. At a funeral, Jake, Helen and Quinn are crying over the casket, while Daria--still in her usual outfit--calmly picks up a newspaper with the heading "JUDGE IMPLICATED IN BRIBERY SCANDAL" on the front cover. Finally, at gym class again, Ms. Morris is yelling at Daria and Jane for not participating when Daria takes the volleyball, spikes it, and smashes it into Ms. Morris' face, causing her to drop to the floor. Daria and Jane both smirk sinisterly. Close-up of Daria smiling, which then zooms up and over to form the "Daria" logo on an orange background, below which is the caption "in: 'Portrait of the Artist as a Young Cynic'" in black "Daria" script.) 

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Scene 1: A house on Woodbine Drive in the hamlet of Springs, Town of East Hampton, Suffolk County, New York, circa 1969. 

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(We see the exterior of the house, then cut to the inside. We see someone at work at a painting. For now we only see the back of the person who's doing this painting.) 

Artist: So, what brings you here to my town? 

As-Yet Unidentified Voice: Well, my husband and I were here to see the grave of Jackson Pollock. We heard that the fatal car crash he was in occurred not too far from here. (1) 

(We now cut to the face of the artist, and we see that it's Willem de Koonig.) 

de Koonig: Yes, yes it was. That was a rather sad day, wasn't it--what was your name again? 

(We now cut to the person who's serving as de Koonig's model: Amanda Lane. She looks considerably younger. She's serving as a nude model for him, posing in a reclining position, but all we see of Amanda is her face.) 

Amanda: Amanda. Amanda Lane. 

de Koonig: Ah, yes, Amanda. That is such a lovely name. 

Amanda: (Blushing a bit.) Thanks. 

de Koonig: (Laying his brush down.) Well, Amanda, I am going to take a break for now. 

(Cut to Amanda, who's putting on a robe.) 

Amanda: Are you going to put this painting of yours on display? 

de Koonig: Perhaps. (Pauses.) Unless you want this for yourself and your husband. 

Amanda: Say, that sounds good. We're going to be celebrating our second wedding anniversary soon. We just got this nice house in a town somewhere down South called Lawndale. Vincent--that is, my husband--and I just moved in with our one-year old son Wind. 

de Koonig: You an artist yourself? 

Amanda: Well, I have a passion for ceramics. 

de Koonig: And what about your husband? 

Amanda: He's a photographer. He goes around the world taking some of the most incredible pictures you've ever seen. I sometimes accompany him on his adventures. 

de Koonig: You are very privileged to lead such a life, you and your husband. 

Amanda: Well, it has its ups and downs. 

de Koonig: Tell you what. I'm going to let you have this painting when I'm done with it. Consider it as my own anniversary gift to you. 

Amanda: Thanks. (Blushes again.) 

de Koonig: Well, I'm going to have some coffee. Care for some? 

Amanda: Sure. 

(de Koonig steps out of the room.) 

Amanda: (To herself.) I can't wait to tell our kids in the future that I posed for the great Willem de Koonig. 

(She now lets out that classic Lane evil smirk, zoom in on it as we now cut to. . .) 

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Scene 2: The attic of the Lane residence, 111 Howard Drive, Lawndale, 11:30 AM Saturday, the present. Background music: the opening piano riffs from "Joan Crawford Has Risen From The Grave" by Blue Öyster Cult can be heard and continues throughout the scene. 

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(We now see Jane Lane entering the basement from the trap door in the floor. She clambers up the stairs and waves off the cobwebs in front of her. Right behind her is her big brother Trent.) 

Jane: Trent, Mom said she has her old acoustic guitar up here. She said you can have it to replace the one that got smashed up at last night's concert at the Zen. 

Trent: Yeah, man, I was bummed out when one of the fans ran up to the stage and decided to do his impersonation of Pete Townsend. And I was right in the middle of doing the world premiere of the new acoustic version of "The String on My Guitar Broke" as well. (2) 

(Jane now sees a guitar case.) 

Jane: Hey, there it is. 

(As Jane bends over to pick the guitar up, the piano's tempo quickens up and the drums and guitar kick in as Jane sees something. She gasps in shock. We now see what she sees: the painting de Koonig made of her mother.) 

Trent: What's the matter, Janey? 

Jane: (Running toward the trap door.) Mom! You'd better see what I've just found! 

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Scene 3: The Lane's living room, 12:15 PM Saturday. 

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(Jane, Trent and Amanda are seated on the sofa. Sitting at nearby chairs are Vincent Lane [Amanda's husband and Jane and Trent's father], Tom Sloan [Jane's boyfriend] and Daria Morgendorffer [Jane's best friend]. The picture is resting on another chair. Everyone's wearing their normal clothes except Daria, who's wearing that black T-shirt and jeans get-up from "The Road Worrier".) 

Daria: So, what's the reason you dragged me out here when I was busy embarrassing Quinn for watching "Powerpuff Girls" on Cartoon Network along with the rest of the Fashion Club? 

Jane: They were all over there to see that? 

Daria: Quinn was providing microwave popcorn for all. Sandi was saying that the girls needed some fashion sense, so I chimed in by saying that maybe in the Fashion Club's case they should all wear seirafuku or sailor suits like Sailor Moon and A-ko Magami. Sandi immediately shot back by saying "Daria Morgendorffer, what do you know about fashion sense?", and stormed out of the room. Quinn, of course, went ballistic, while Stacy, Tiffany, Brittany and Candy all had good laughs over the incident. (3) 

Jane: That's amazing. 

Daria: What is? That I shot Sandi and Quinn down with one stone? 

Jane: No, that you made the other members of the Fashion Club laugh over it. 

Daria: And, of course, Quinn now deeply rues the day that Mom told Mrs. Griffin that I'm actually her sister. (4) 

Amanda: Well, anyway, Daria, I want you to see this painting that Jane and Trent found in the basement. (Points to it.) 

Daria: So, it looks like a nude portrait of you, Mrs. Lane. 

Vincent: That may be so, Daria, but it's no ordinary nude portrait. The famed artist Willem de Koonig did this painting. 

Daria: Funny, I didn't think he did nudes. 

Vincent: That's what the rest of the world thinks, Daria. You know how much this painting would get if it was ever auctioned? 

Daria: My best guess would be $10 million. 

Vincent: Perhaps even more than that. 

Daria: Mr. Lane, sorry if I sound like my cynical self here, but you mean to tell me that this has been sitting in your basement for thirty years and you just forgot all about it? 

Vincent: Well, you know how it is when you're on the road all the time. 

Jane: Mom and Dad have racked up so many frequent flier points that they're set for the rest of their lives with the airlines. (Smirks evilly.) 

Trent: And good thing too. Airfares here in Lawndale are ridiculous. 

Daria: I take it you've never caught a flight out of Albany International Airport. (5) 

Trent: No, I haven't. 

Vincent: We once caught a connecting flight out of MacArthur Airport on Long Island once. While waiting at the terminal we made some friends with some anti-nuclear demonstrators who arrived to protest the Shoreham nuclear power plant. I think that was about the time Suffolk County Executive Peter Cohalan flip-flopped on the issue. (6) 

Jane: So, Mom, what was it like posing for Willem de Koonig? 

Amanda: It was a great privilege, Jane. You know, the house where he lived in at Springs is still there, as well as Jackson Pollock's. 

Jane: Well, winter vacation is due to come up in a couple of weeks, so maybe I'll take an artist's pilgrimage over there and check them out for myself. 

Tom: Need any company for your vacation, Jane? 

(Daria shoots a hostile look at Tom.) 

Jane: Methinks the lady doth protest too much, my dear Thomas. 

(Daria just shakes her head in dismay.) 

Vincent: What's the matter, Daria, you think Jane and Tom are going to-- 

Daria: (Abruptly.) No, I don't think that, Mr. Lane. I think Jane and Tom are pretty responsible people. 

Amanda: Besides, we trust them to take any necessary precautions if it ever came to that. 

Daria: OK, that's my cue. I'm out of here, you dirty-minded people. (She goes.) 

Tom: (To Trent.) Gee, was it something I said? 

Trent: Don't look at me, man. I'm not touching this with a ten foot pole. (Gets an idea.) Hey, that sounds like a good opening line to my next song. I gotta call Jesse, Nicholas and Max and jam on some ideas. (He gets up and goes.) 

Jane: Thus goes another atypical day in the atypical life of the Lane clan. 

Vincent: Yeah, Jane, aren't you lucky? 

(Now Vincent does that evil smirk, which Jane reciprocates.) 

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Scene 4: A house somewhere in suburban Connecticut, time unknown. 

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(As the scene begins, we hear the opening strains of the aria "Un Bel Di" from Puccini's "Madama Butterfly" as we see Jane enter the house. She enters the kitchen as she notices a pot on the boil.) 

Jane: Tom? I'm home! What's cooking for dinner? 

(She goes to the pot, and opens it.) 

Jane: AAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!! 

(We now cut to what she was looking at: her cats Zachary and Taylor have been boiled alive.) 

Voice behind Jane: I don't like to be ignored, Jane. 

(Jane now turns around and sees Daria, wearing the same white dress Glenn Close was wearing in the climatic scene of "Fatal Attraction"; she's also wielding a knife. The music abruptly switches to the aria "Con Onor Muore", also from Madama Butterfly. Jane screams as Daria stabs her. Tom now runs into the kitchen.) 

Tom: Daria! Why? 

(Daria now stabs Tom with the knife. The scene ends with the part of "Con Onor Muore" where Pinkerton sings "Butterfly! Butterfly! Butterfly!" and the Japanese-sounding coda follows. Cut now to Daria, wearing her T-shirt and jeans, and in her room. She was writing all this in her literary journal.) 

Daria: Nah. Death's too good for those two. Perhaps I'll do to them what they used to do to criminals in medieval Japan. I'll exile them to a distant province. (7) 

(There's a knock on the door.) 

Helen: (Through the door.) Daria, can I come in for a minute? 

Daria: (As she puts her journal away.) Sure, Mom. Just watch out for the alligator-infested moat when you enter. 

(The door opens, and Helen Morgendorffer, Daria's mother, now enters.) 

Helen: Daria, your friend Jane just called a minute ago. She was concerned for you. Ever since you came home, you just been moping around. This is not normal for you, even by your own standards. 

Daria: Mom, what if you had only one really good friend, and suddenly someone else enters the picture, and you think that the other person's trying to break up your friendship with that one true friend you have? 

Helen: This is about Jane going out with that Tom boy, isn't it, sweetie? 

Daria: (Monotone.) Touchè. 

Helen: Daria, Tom isn't a threat to your friend. When I was your age and in high school, I admit I wasn't too popular myself and I only had one friend, a girl like Jane. One day she met and fell in love with this nice, young man. I admit I got a bit jealous myself at first, but I learned to accept it when I realized that he wasn't going to be a threat to my friendship. 

Daria: And when did you realize this? 

Helen: (Almost embarrassed to admit this.) Uh, well, I guess it was when I decided to join the anti-war movement and became a hippie. This was, of course, before I met your father at Middleton College. (8) 

Daria: So, by then, you just didn't give a damn. Face it, Mom, at this rate, I might just as well not give a damn about Jane, Tom or Trent. 

Helen: Daria, you have to give yourself a bit more credit than you're even willing to admit. A few months from now, you'll probably feel different. Trust me. 

Daria: And when that happens, the Communist regime in Beijing will collapse and Fidel Castro will be overthrown in Cuba. In other words, Mom, don't hold your breath. 

Helen: Well, don't say I didn't try, Daria, that's all. (She now leaves the room.) 

Daria: You don't even know the half of it, Mom. 

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Scene 5: Lawndale International Airport, 4:45 PM Friday, two weeks later. Background music: the opening piano riffs from "New York State of Mind" by Billy Joel. 

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(Amanda, Vincent, Trent, Jane and Tom are here, waiting for Jane and Tom's flight to MacArthur Airport.) 

Amanda: Jane, Tom, I hope you have a nice time. Maybe you might find out a few things you may not have known before. 

Jane: Mom, be careful what you wish for; you just might get it. (Smirks evilly.) 

Trent: Have a nice trip, Jane. (He kisses Jane.) You too, Tom. (He shakes Tom's hand.) 

Tom: Thanks, Trent. 

Airport PA Announcer: USAirways Flight 333 to Long Island MacArthur Airport is now boarding at Gate 35. 

Jane: See you one week from Sunday, Mom, Dad, Trent. 

Vincent: Have a nice time, kids! 

(Jane and Tom now go down the corridor.) 

Amanda: I just wish Daria was here to see them off. 

Vincent: Give her time, Amanda. Daria's one who usually bounces back from things like this. 

Trent: I just hope you're right on the money on that, Dad. 

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Scene 6: The picnic area of High Hills Park (9), Lawndale, 11:30 AM Saturday. 

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(We see Raye Halstead [10] here, doing some stretching exercises. She's wearing a chartreuse athletic tank top and matching athletic pants and sneakers. Daria, wearing the modified version of the usual get-up she wears in the football game scene of the opening montage of orange sweater, green field jacket, black pleated knee-length skirt, green leggings and those black Doc Martens boots, is sitting at a nearby picnic table, watching Raye. Daria is also wearing green earmuffs.) 

Raye: You know, Daria, I like to do my stretching exercises out here, when there's no one here and there's no snow on the ground. 

Daria: Nevermind that you've got a cold, bare midriff right now. Even Quinn's got enough sense to wear a sweater in this weather. 

Raye: (Grasping her toes with her hands.) Daria, a disciplined mind like mine ignores the effects of the cold. I don't feel a thing. 

Daria: How about feeling this? (She gets up to playfully punch her in her midriff, but Raye thinks quickly and parries the blow.) 

Raye: You have to wake up very early in the morning to outwit me, Daria. (Smiles. Daria lets out a bit of that Mona Lisa grin herself now.) 

Daria: Raye, I admit I am jealous of Jane and Tom going to Long Island by themselves. Jane and I do everything together. 

Raye: So what are you going to do during winter vacation? 

Daria: I've got to complete that exposè on Chris Reinhardt I'm doing for the "Lawndale Buzz". 

Raye: That's Judge Cornelius J. Reinhardt's son, right? The one who's running against Andrew Landon for a seat on the Carter County Board of Education? 

Daria: One and the same. (11) 

Raye: He's just like his father: he's a sleazebag. (Her fists tighten. Daria notices.) 

Daria: Raye, what's the matter? 

Raye: Chris has a son named Brad. When we were in junior high he kept taunting me, calling me a "half-breed" and a "Jap bitch" (12) One day I told him to leave me alone, then next thing I knew--(She draws a deep breath.)--he nearly tried to assault me. 

Daria: Sexual assault? 

Raye: He damn near ripped my blouse off. Luckily a teacher intervened. However, Brad got off since he said it was my fault. They believed him because of his hot-shot grandfather. It was the old "my word against his" schtick. 

Daria: Of course, if it happened now, Ms. Li's even-handed administration of her heavy-handed version of justice would see to it that the both of you get substantial suspensions. 

Raye: Isn't it always? But, seriously, Daria, if you feel so strongly about Jane and Tom, why not make the trip out there yourself? 

Daria: If I did that, they'd think I was snooping in on them. 

Raye: Just a suggestion. 

(Daria now takes a whiff of the air, and she smells some incense.) 

Daria: You know, I think Andrea might be here. 

Raye: Oh, yeah. I've heard the stories of Satan worship happening here myself. (13) 

Daria: Care to take a look with me? 

Raye: Sure. I do have some demon banishment scrolls handy--just in case. (14) 

(They go to where the smell of the incense is strongest, and sure enough, Andrea Hecuba is here, burning incense as well as those black candles from C. E. Forman's "No Picnic". She now takes a swig of whiskey from a hip flask she brought with her. She now turns and sees Daria and Raye.) 

Andrea: Hey, what brings you two here? Ready to convert? (Puts on a wry smile.) 

Daria: Uh, we'll pass, Andrea. 

Andrea: I could put a hex on that Tom guy if you want. I know he's been gnawing at you since Jane began going out with him. 

Daria: No, that would be too merciful to him. (Turns to Raye.) 

Raye: Daria, I am not going to use my scrolls on him. 

Andrea: Daria, I think you may be reading into the relationship between Jane and Tom too much between the lines. Tom is not a threat to you. I've seen them on the street a few times, and you're the main subject of their conversations. 

Daria: Tom said the same thing. Maybe I'm just afraid that they're probably going to get real serious while I'm lagging behind. 

Andrea: Daria, no one's telling you to get laid with anyone. 

Daria: And what about you? 

Andrea: If I told you if I ever had sex, Daria, I'd have to sacrifice you. (Another wry smile.) 

(There's a rustle in the bushes. The three girls turn around and notice.) 

Raye: There must be something behind there! (She gets a scroll.) Come out wherever you are! 

(Suddenly, Charles Ruttheimer III, alias Upchuck, emerges, wearing a ski mask the kind bank robbers like to wear, along with a coat.) 

Upchuck: BOOGA BOOGA!!!!!!!!!! 

Raye: (Flinging the scroll.) AKURYO TAISAN!!!!!!!!!! (The scroll lands square right between the eyes of Upchuck, who falls backwards onto the ground. He now gets up, laughs and removes his mask.) 

Upchuck: Boy, did I ever scare you ladies! Ah, now why don't you ask me out for a nice, romantic night out tonight and I'll make it up to you! 

Daria: Care to do the honors this time, Raye? 

Raye: Sure. (She now goes to Upchuck and karate chops the stuffing out of him, leaving him sprawling on the ground.) 

Upchuck: (Moaning.) Feisty! ROWR! 

Daria: Next time I'll throw a brick at you and you'll wind up muttering "Little Angel". Just stay away from us, Upchuck! 

(They now go.) 

Upchuck: At least have the decency to call 911 and have an ambulance brought over here. 

(Daria now gets a quarter out of her jacket and tosses it to Upchuck.) 

Daria: Here, call them yourself. I think there's a pay phone a short crawl from here. 

Upchuck: Thank you. (He grabs the quarter and crawls off.) 

Raye: Man, won't he ever learn? 

(Upchuck now crawls off, and he just happens to crawl by science teacher Janet Barch.) 

Barch: Got the crap kicked out of you again for propositioning ladies, didn't you, you man! (She now kicks him upside his head.) 

Upchuck: OW! Talk about adding insult to injury! 

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Scene 7: A room at the Eden Rock Motel, Veterans Memorial Highway, Ronkonkoma, Town of Islip, Suffolk County, New York, 12:30 PM Saturday. Background music: the opening strings and piano from "Laura" by Billy Joel. 

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(Jane and Tom are just lounging around on the bed [fully clothed, mind you! :-) ]. They're watching a rerun of Uncle Floyd on TV 55, WLIV from Riverhead. Tom now points to someone in the stage band.) 

Tom: Hey, Jane, I think I know that guy there. 

Jane: Yeah, who? 

Tom: I think that's Richie Häss. My father once caught him at the old Oak Beach Inn in Oakdale when he was with Zoogz Rift's band Zobus . (15) 

Jane: You don't say. 

Tom: Anyway, feel like heading out for Springs now? It's what you wanted. 

Jane: Yeah, I've slept soundly since we arrived last night. Let's hit the road. 

(Cut now to the parking lot. They're backing out of the parking lot in the Dodge Neon they've rented when they're cut off from turning onto Veteran's Memorial Highway by a silver Chevy Truck.) 

Tom: What in--? 

Jane: That jerk! He cut us off! 

(They now make the turn, and now they stop at a red light. Tom notices something.) 

Tom: Jane, take a look at that. 

(We now see what's going on. Apparently a Suffolk County Police cruiser with the number 516 on the rear bumper has pulled over the truck, and we see the driver of the truck--a man in his early 50's, with balding brown hair, heavy build, wearing a ball cap, grungy T-shirt and jeans. He's arguing with the officer.) 

Driver: But, Officer, that close-up mirror I have on here kinda blinded me! 

SCPD Officer: Sure, and if you had plowed into those two and they were in the morgue right now, would that be an excuse to get off the hook at trial? 

Driver: Look, I'm gonna take this damn thing off right now. (He takes out a knife, pries beneath the close-up mirror, and removes it.) There, happy now? 

SCPD Officer: You're still getting a ticket for reckless driving. (He hands it to him.) Either show up at court to contest this, or mail in the fine at the address indicated at the back of this ticket. Have a nice day. (He now turns, and sees Tom and Jane there in their car. He goes up to them.) You two OK? 

Tom: A bit shaken up, but we're OK. 

Jane: And they say the system doesn't work. (Smirks evilly.) Then again, the last time I talked to an officer, I was pulled over for speeding, and since I didn't have any money to pay the fine, I spent some time in the hoosgow until the sheriff agreed to let my brother's band play a birthday concert for his kid. 

SCPD Officer: Well, just be lucky you weren't on the receiving end of it this time, guys. You might have to be back here if you're needed for testimony. So, if you let me take your names and phone numbers, we can contact you if needed. 

Jane: I guess we're not completely off the hook, but it sure beats being in jail. 

(Tom smiles.) 

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Scene 8: Daria's room at the Morgendorffer residence, 1111 Glen Oaks Lane, Lawndale, 6:45 PM Saturday. 

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(Daria is now wearing her normal orange T-shirt and has removed the leggings; thus she's in her usual outfit. The TV is tuned in to "Sick, Sad World". The scene being shown is a pyramid of canned food, while right-wing militia nuts are busy trying to hawk the food.) 

SSW Announcer: Y2K was a bust, and now they're holding the bag! What would you do if you had enough canned food to feed a Third World country for a month stockpiled in your bunker--and nothing happened? Right-wing militia canned food fire sales, coming up next on "Sick, Sad World"! 

Daria: Somehow, it isn't the same without Jane watching it with me. (She changes the channel to "Downtown" on MTV. It's the episode where Alex is at the gamer's convention and he's confronting some male otaku, or fans of anime, or Japanese animation, wearing seirafuku, or sailor suits like Japanese junior high school girls wear like A-ko Magami from "Project A-ko" or Usagi Tsukino from "Bishôjo Senshi Sailor Moon".) Now this looks interesting. (There's a knock on the door.) Enter at your own risk; just watch out for the pitfall. 

(Quinn Morgendorffer, Daria's sister, enters.) 

Quinn: Daria, I need your advice on something. 

Daria: I embarrassed you and the rest of the Fashion Club a week ago, and now you're willing to look me square in the eye again? 

Quinn: Oh, Daria, I don't bear grudges forever! Well, anyway, Mom said she thinks she's willing to let me go out on a date tonight since I've been pretty good for the past couple of months. (16) I'm going to go out with Joey. Where do you think I should go? 

Daria: Why ask me? All the places I would recommend you wouldn't like. Why not just drag him to Chez Pierre like you usually do? 

Quinn: But I want this to be a clean break from my past, Daria. I just don't want to get burned again. . .like what happened with Jamie. 

Daria: I'm pretty sure maybe time has softened Jamie's feelings as well, Quinn. Why not ask him? 

Quinn: But, Daria, what if he says "No" to me? 

Daria: You'll never find out if you don't ask him. "It's better to have love and lost than not to have loved at all." 

Quinn: That's easy for you to say, Daria. You still have some feelings for Trent, and he's never really reciprocated them to you. 

(And, speak of the Devil, there's a knock, and Trent is leaning against the door.) 

Trent: Hey, Daria, Daria's sister. 

Quinn: See what I mean, Daria? He still calls me "Daria's sister"! If you really got to know him and all that, he'd be calling me by my name, (Turns to Trent.) which is Quinn Louise Morgendorffer, by the way! (17) 

Trent: Whatever. 

Quinn: Why did I even bother to have this conversation? (She goes.) 

Trent: What's with her? 

Daria: Her jeans are on too tight, and it's squishing her brains. 

Trent: (Does that laugh-cough.) Good one, Daria. 

Daria: Gee, thanks, Trent. What can I do for you? 

Trent: Mom and Dad are concerned for you, not to mention your folks. They think you still have a grudge against Tom for going out with Janey to Long Island. 

Daria: I don't have a grudge, Trent. So they decided to go there by themselves; it's no big deal. 

Trent: Daria, I know when you're trying to brush things off. It's eating at you, isn't it? 

Daria: It's not eating at me. I don't know why everyone's making a big deal about it. 

Trent: Daria, what if I told you that a friend of Max's landed us a gig at the Salty Dog in Huntington over there for this Tuesday, and that you're invited to go with us? We can catch up with Janey and Tom the next day. 

Daria: And did you mention this to Mom and Dad? 

Trent: It's cool with them. 

(Jake Morgendorffer, Daria's father, now enters.) 

Jake: Hey, Trent, broke the news to Daria yet? 

Trent: I was just in the middle of doing that, Mr. M. 

Jake: Hey, it's Jake, Trent. 

Trent: Whatever. 

Jake: Man, I wish I had a rock-and-roll band and did the bar and club circuit. (The rage is building up.) But my old man SENT ME AWAY TO MILITARY SCHOOL AND LEFT ME THERE TO FEND FOR MYSELF WHILE THE UPPERCLASSMEN GAVE ME WEDGIES ALL THE TIME!!!!!!!!!! 

Daria: Dad, remember the doctor said you'll have a relapse of your heart attack if you let things like that upset you. 

Jake: Oh, sorry, kiddo. 

Trent: Kiddo? 

(Daria blushes.) 

Daria: Dear God, I want to die right now. 

(Daria now closes her eyes and puts her hand to her forehead. That teasing, jeering version of "La-la-LA-la-la!" can be heard as we see a widescreen version of the scene of Raye doing her stretching exercises in slow-motion and in a purple tint with the "Daria" logo superimposed over it.) 

================================================================ 

COMMERCIAL BREAK # 1 

================================================================ 

Announcer: On the next "Celebrity Deathmatch", it's an "All Cartoon Network" card! First, see the Powerpuff Girls take on the Justice Friends! 

(We see Blossom, Bubbles and Buttercup fighting Major Glory, Val Hallen and the Incredible Kronk.) 

Blossom: Take that, you oafs! (Blossom fires a heat ray from her eyes and zaps Val Hallen.) 

Val: Whoa, dudette, that was very gnarly! 

Kronk: Kronk don't like seeing his friends get hurt! (He picks up Bubbles and throws her to the wall, where she hits it with a stunning impact.) 

Announcer: Then, see Enzo Matrix from "Reboot!" take on the Red Guy from "Cow and Chicken" and "I. M. Weasel"! 

(We see the mature Enzo from the "Lost Episodes" of "Reboot!" take on the Red Guy.) 

Enzo: Prepare to download some major pain, Red Guy! (He fires his gun.) 

Red Guy: Well, TAKE THIS FOR SIZE, CHUMP!!!!!!!!!! (He whacks Enzo with a big wooden mallet. Mills Lane, the referee, looks on, pauses for a second, then makes a deecision.) 

Lane: I'll allow it! 

Announcer: Finally, see Ryo from "Ronin Warriors" take on Queen Beryl from "Sailor Moon"! 

(We see Ryo preparing to undergo his transformation.) 

Ryo: ARMOR OF WILDFIRE, TAO JIN!!!!!!!!!! (He now puts on the armor.) 

Queen Beryl: HA! I'll crush you like I did to the Sailor Senshi--er, Sailor Scouts! (She zaps him with some energy, but he rebuffs it.) 

Ryo: If I can defeat Talpa and his Dynasty, you're no match for me! FLARE UP, NOW!!!!!!!!!! (Fire issues from the armor, and Queen Beryl is incinerated.) 

Announcer: It's all happening on a special "All Cartoon Network" edition of "Celebrity Deathmatch"! This Thursday night at 10:00 PM Eastern, 9:00 PM Central, only on MTV! 

(Another commercial.) 

Announcer: It's the funniest half-hour on television: C-SPAN's weekly coverage of Prime Minister's Question Time in the House of Commons. 

(Show a shot of the House of Commons chamber in the Palace of Westminster in Westminster, England. [18] We see the Labour Party on the Government benches to the left of Speaker Betty Boothroyd, who's in the Speaker's Chair, while we see the Conservative and Liberal Democrat Opposition to her right.) 

Madam Speaker: (In her characteristically loud, booming voice.) Mr. William Hague! 

(William Hague, the Leader of the Opposition for the Conservatives, now goes to his dispatch box.) 

Mr. Hague: Madam Speaker, will the Prime Minister admit that his Government has raised taxes and rates to their highest levels ever, or will he just pussyfoot around again? (19) 

Several Members of Parliament: HEAR, HEAR!!!!!!!!!! 

(Prime Minister Tony Blair now goes to his dispatch box.) 

The Prime Minister: Madam Speaker, the Right Honourable Member is very mistaken. We've decreased taxes and rates well below what the previous Government had them. 

Several Members of Parliament: NO!!!!!!!!!! 

(Boothroyd stands up.) 

Madam Speaker: ORDER! ORDER! THIS HOUSE WILL COME TO ORDER! I WILL NOT HESITATE TO NAME MEMBERS OF THIS HOUSE! 

Edward Heath (20): Rubbish! 

Glenda Jackson (21): Poppycock! 

(Heath and Jackson get into a fistfight. Boothroyd just shakes her head.) 

Announcer: It's the funniest national legislature this side of Taiwan! (22) Don't miss Prime Minister's Question Time, Sunday nights at 9:00 PM Eastern, 8:00 PM Central, only on C-SPAN! 

================================================================ 

ACT 2 FOR THE SHOW 

================================================================ 

Scene 1: The Long Island Expressway, near where Harry Chapin died in his fiery car crash in 1981, Jericho, Town of Oyster Bay, Nassau County, New York, 6:45 PM Sunday. Background music: the opening bars of "Taxi" from Harry Chapin. 

================================================================ 

(We see the Tank, the vehicle Mystik Spiral uses for road trips, stuck on the infamous "World's Largest Parking Lot". Horns are blaring, even for this Sunday night traffic jam. Trent is at the wheel, with rhythm guitarist Jesse Moreno in the passenger seat. To the back are Daria, bassist Nicholas Campbell and drummer Max Tyler. Daria is in a green T-shirt and black denim pants while the others are wearing their normal clothes.) 

Trent: Man, you realize this is the spot where Harry Chapin met his end? 

Jesse: Bummer, man! 

Max: Why don't we have a moment of silence for the dude, man? 

Daria: With all the horns blaring, that's going to be impossible. 

Nicholas: Well, let's try anyway, Daria. 

(They all fall silent, the only thing we can hear being the horns.) 

Trent: Man, Harry Chapin was something. 

(The traffic now begins to lurch forward.) 

Jesse: Hey, we're moving now, man! 

(The Tank now moves forward and cuts off a car in front of it. The driver of the car honks at the Tank to pull over, and it and the car do so. The driver steps out. It turns out to be infamous Nassau County Republican Chairman Joe Mondello. He goes over to Trent.) 

Mondello: Young man, you cut me off! 

Trent: Like, sorry, man. 

Mondello: Do you know who I am? If it wasn't for me, Al D'Amato would be a nobody now! (23) 

Daria: What do you mean? He IS a nobody now. He lost to Chuck Schumer in 1998. 

(Mondello gets red with rage.) 

Trent: Good one, Daria. 

Daria: Gee, thanks. 

Mondello: I can have some Nassau County Police officers here in a minute and have the whole lot of you ran in! 

Max: We're criminalis! (Claws the air with his fingers.) 

Daria: Max, do you want to wind up in jail like you, Jane and the others were in Fremont? 

Jesse: Lemme handle this, Daria. (To Mondello.) Hey, dude, if you overlook this, we might let you have free tickets to our concert at the Salty Dog in Huntington this Tuesday. 

Mondello: You trying to bribe me? 

Daria: I heard in this county, it's commonplace. I believe your predecessor Joe Margiotta got arrested for taking kickbacks. 

(Mondello realizes that Daria's got him there.) 

Mondello: (Taking the tickets.) OK, OK, you win! Just don't breathe a word of this to the media! I don't want to wind up in jail! (He goes to his car and drives off.) 

Trent: Thanks for bailing us out of that, Jesse. 

Jesse: No problem, man. 

Daria: Now maybe we can get to Huntington before Tuesday? 

Trent: Yeah, traffic's moving again. 

(They drive off.) 

================================================================ 

Scene 2: Montauk Highway, on the portion of it that is Suffolk County Road 85, at the corner with Cherry Avenue, West Sayville, Town of Islip, Suffolk County, New York, 7:30 PM Sunday. 

================================================================ 

(Jane and Tom's Neon has stopped at the house at the corner. A historical marker denotes that it's the Greene House, where George Washington stopped by for a visit during his tour of Long Island in 1790. Jane and Tom step out.) 

Jane: Say, this is an interesting spot. This should make up for no one being home at either Pollock's or de Koonig's houses so we could look around and ask questions. 

Tom: I'm sure maybe if we stopped by the East Hampton Town Historian's office tomorrow, he'll be able to answer our questions. 

Jane: According to this marker, George Washington was here for a visit during his tour of the island in 1790. 

Tom: I bet he only came here for the potatoes and striped bass so he could have some fish and chips back home in Mount Vernon. (24) 

Jane: (Chuckling.) Good one, Tom. 

Tom: I wonder if he slept here? 

Jane: Speaking of sleep, we'd better get to our motel room. 

Tom: Yeah. 

(Jane now grasps Tom's hand. Tom looks at Jane. Jane blushes. They now draw closer. They now French kiss. Someone steps out of the house.) 

Man: What is this, a peep show? Get outta here! 

Jane: Sheesh, what a grouch! 

Tom: You can say that again, Jane. Let's get back to the motel. I've got something planned for you. (Winks at Jane.) 

Jane: I get the idea, Romeo. (Winks back.) 

(They now get back into the Neon and drive off.) 

================================================================ 

Scene 3: A room at the Commack Motor Inn, Commack, Town of Smithtown, Suffolk County, New York, 8:15 PM Sunday. Background music: the opening synthesizer sequence from "Captain Jack" by Billy Joel. 

================================================================ 

(Daria is by herself here. She's got the TV on, tuned in to "Sick, Sad World". They're showing--surprise!--Hikaru, Fuu and Umi from the anime "Magic Knight Rayearth". We can see them crying their eyes out.) 

SSW Announcer: These Japanese schoolgirls claim they were whisked away to another dimension--and wound up killing its ruler in order to save her! Seirafuku-clad superheroines who blew it big time, next on "Sick, Sad World"! 

Daria: (Dryly.) I guess that's a major case of cutting your nose off to spite your face. (There's a knock on the door.) Who's there? 

(The door opens, and we see Trent.) 

Trent: Hey, Daria, just checking up on you. 

Daria: (Blushing.) Gee, thanks. 

Trent: Jesse and I are in the room to the right; Nicholas and Max are in the one to the left. 

Daria: Thanks for all your concern, Trent. 

Trent: Daria, I can tell you're still not crazy about Janey and Tom being out on this trip. What's bugging you? 

Daria: Well, what if they--well, you know--(For someone of her level of maturity at her age, she finds it hard to say "Have sex"! :-) ) 

Trent: (Divining what Daria's trying to say.) Sleep together, that is? 

Daria: (Casting a glance to the floor.) Yeah. 

Trent: Well, I can understand. Janey can take care of herself, though. I trust her that much. Besides, Janey isn't exactly a naïve virgin, you know. (25) 

Daria: And what do you mean by that, Trent? 

Trent: Interpret it any way you wish, Daria. I'm gonna hit the sack now. 'Night, Daria. (He closes the door.) 

Daria: Yeah, 'night, Trent. Well, I guess I'll clock in myself. Been on the road all day. (We see Daria beginning to unzip her field jacket. Cut to a few minutes later, as we see her without her glasses, wearing her usual bedclothes of blue T-shirt and yellow shorts.) And so to bed. (She turns off the lamp and goes to sleep. We now see her tossing and turning. Misty dissolve to her dream. It's sometime in the future, and we see Jane and Tom getting married at a church. Jane's wearing a white wedding dress while Tom's wearing a tuxedo. The church has white walls, with a stained glass window of Jesus above the altar. There are people sitting on the wooden pews, mainly most of the residents of Lawndale that we know. [26] We see a pastor here conducting the ceremony; he's wearing a brown shirt with the white collar, and brown pants. We see a wedding cake nearby.) 

Pastor: If there is any person here who can give a good reason why these two should not be married, let that person speak now or may that person remain silent eternally on this matter. 

(Suddenly, the doors of the church are flung open, and we see Daria here, wearing mourning clothes like B-ko Daitokuji did when she interrupted Ms. Ayumi and Kei's wedding in "Project A-ko 4: Final".) 

Daria: I do! My friend Jane betrayed me! (She now whips off the mourning clothes and reveals she's wearing a black jumpsuit and red sweatband like B-ko did.) And now she's going to pay for that! 

(Daria now whips out an AK-47. Fast cuts to Jane and Tom, who gasp in horror. Sudden cut now to the cake, which suddenly bursts, and we see Quinn here, dressed in the seirafuku A-ko Magami wore in the first "Project A-ko" film. Daria looks at Quinn with a sneer on her face.) 

Daria: Quinn, what the Hell are you doing here in this dream? 

Quinn: Daria, I'm here to remind you that I'm infinitely cuter than you are, not to mention that I've got more fashion sense. (She now slugs Daria one, throwing her across the church.) 

Daria: OK, now you're all going to pay for that! (Daria now rushes out, and then returns with a bunch of pink tomatoes. [27] Everyone gasps in shock.) Say your prayers, everyone! (Daria now takes some of the tomatoes and begins to throw them at everyone. Everyone's hit with them. Daria now pauses and laughs sinisterly. Suddenly, the alarm goes off on the clock next to the bed, and Daria's wrenched awake.) Damn! I was having so much fun! 

(Daria now drags herself out of bed with a scowl on her face.) 

================================================================ 

Scene 4: The studio apartment of Claire Defoe, 500 Main Street, Apartment 501, Lawndale, 8:30 AM Monday. 

================================================================ 

(Ms. Defoe is busy at a canvas, doing an abstract painting. There's a knock on the door. Defoe puts her brush and palette down and answers it. We see Amanda.) 

Defoe: Well, hi, Amanda! What brings you here? 

Amanda: Just thought I'd talk shop with you for a while, Claire. 

Defoe: Sure. Come right in. Just keep it low, (pointing to a scraggly-looking guy sleeping on her couch.) Stu here is one of my ex-college suitemates who's staying here for a while. 

Amanda: Of course. 

(They walk past Stu silently.) 

Defoe: So, what's up? 

Amanda: Jane and her boyfriend Tom have taken a trip this week. 

Defoe: Oh, that sounds interesting, Amanda. Where are they going to? 

Amanda: They went to Springs on the East End of Long Island. They were going to go see where Jackson Pollock and Willem de Koonig lived. 

(Suddenly, there's a look of horror on her face.) 

Defoe: Oh, no! 

(Stu is aroused from his sleep.) 

Stu: Hey, Claire, keep it down, willya? 

Amanda: Claire, what's the matter? 

Defoe: Amanda, it's a long story. . . 

================================================================ 

Scene 5: Jane and Tom's room at the Eden Rock Motel, Ronkonkoma, 9:00 AM Monday. Background music: the opening guitar riffs from "When You Get There" by Zebra. 

================================================================ 

(We start with a shot of the floor. We see some articles of clothes, including Jane's familiar red jacket, black V-neck T-shirt with white trim, black denim, shorts, black pantyhose and black fireman's boots, along with a black sports bra and black sports panties. We also see Tom's gray sweatshirt and jeans, his brown boots, and a white undershirt and briefs. We also see a discarded condom wrapper as well. We now pan up to the bed, where we see Tom bare-chested, while Jane is stretched across Tom's chest, so that we can only see her face and back. Jane kind of purrs to herself contentedly.) 

Jane: Man, I can't believe we did it all night. Was I any good? 

Tom: (Stroking Jane's hair.) You were wonderful. You've ever did this before? 

Jane: (Now with that evil smirk on her face.) I ain't telling; you'll have to get it out of me through torture. 

Tom: What will Trent think about his kid sister having slept with me? 

Jane: (Now realizing something.) Better yet, what will Daria think? If she hears about this, she'll be really pissed off at the both of us. 

Tom: Jane, what we do here shouldn't be Daria's concern. Let's keep this our little secret, OK? 

Jane: Fine by me. (Fast cut to Jane's face and shoulders as she gets up from Tom's chest.) So, let's get dressed and head off to see the East Hampton Town Historian, OK? 

Tom: Sure. 

================================================================ 

Scene 6: the office of the East Hampton Town Historian Randall Smith, East Hampton Town Hall, Montauk Highway, Pantigo, 10:30 AM Monday. 

================================================================ 

(We see Smith, a slightly rotund, balding person at his desk, with Jane and Tom seated across from him.) 

Smith: So, you wanted some information about Jackson Pollock and Willem de Koonig's days in Springs? You've come to the right place. I do happen to know the people who own both houses now, and I'm pretty sure they are willing to show you around. I also happen to have in here in the town's historical archives a diary de Koonig kept from 1965 to about 1986. Perhaps they can be of some use to you. 

Jane: Why does it end in 1986? 

Smith: About that time, the effects of Alzheimer's Disease began to take its toll on him. He eventually died from the condition in 1997. 

Jane: OK. Just wondering. Care to take us up to Pollock's place first? 

Smith: Certainly. Let me just call a few people so I can make all the arrangements. 

Tom: Jane, this is going to be great seeing where those two painted. 

Jane: Hey, we might just make some interesting discoveries. 

Tom: Well, just be careful, Jane. We don't want to shock anyone. (Smiles a wicked grin.) 

================================================================ 

Scene 7: Long Island MacArthur Airport, Ronkonkoma, 12:30 PM Monday. Background music: the opening guitar riffs from "Hell is for Children" by Pat Benatar. 

================================================================ 

(We see Ms. Defoe, who's just gotten off a plane. She now goes to a rent-a-car counter. We see a woman with short blonde hair and blue eyes wearing a blue blazer.) 

Defoe: I need a car right away, please. 

Rent-a-Car Person: OK. You seem to be in a hurry, ma'am. 

Defoe: You just don't believe how much of a hurry I am. 

================================================================ 

Scene 8: The barn that housed Jackson Pollock's studio, Springs Road, Springs, 1:30 PM Monday. 

================================================================ 

(We see an exterior shot of the barn, which is weather-beaten. Cut now to its exterior, which is mainly empty. Jane, Tom, and Smith are here. Smith is explaining about how Pollock painted. Jane and Tom have some of de Koonig's diaries under their arms.) 

Smith: Within these very walls Jackson Pollock made some of the most controversial paintings of his time. (Misty dissolve to a shot of Pollock at work, frantically splattering paint onto the canvas.) Many people could not understand what Pollock was doing, and frankly, some people to this day still do not. 

Jane: In other words, a prophet without honor. 

Smith: Exactly. (Misty dissolve back to the present.) I'll let you take a look around here for a while. 

(Smith leaves, leaving Jane and Tom on their own.) 

Jane: You know, you can almost feel the energy he expended creating his works flow through you if you just stand still. 

(Tom is leafing through de Koonig's diary. He notices something.) 

Tom: Jane, you'd better take a look at this. 

(Jane goes over to Tom.) 

Jane: Found something interesting? 

Tom: Yeah. It's this entry in the 1969 diary. "Last night, I met a woman at Jungle Pete's Bar and Grill. She was a rather bohemian-looking woman, but there was something in her eyes that said she was captivating. I persuaded the woman to come back to my place and I started to paint her nude. Passion, however, got the better of me and we made love. She left, inexplicably, this morning, not even leaving a note. I dare not explain to Elaine about this; we were separated once before, and I don't want to lose her again." A few days later, he notes he finished the painting with another model. He even has a sketch of the woman who was the original model. (Jane takes a look at the drawing, then recoils in shock.) Someone you know, Jane? 

Jane: (Stammers.) Yeah--I know her--it's Ms. Defoe. 

(We now cut to the sketch in the diary; we can plainly see that it's a head-and-shoulders sketch of Ms. Defoe. Suddenly, we cut to the door, as we see Ms. Defoe enter.) 

Defoe: The town historian said I could find you two in here. 

Jane: (Getting mad.) Ms. Defoe, how could you! You caused Willem de Koonig to cheat on his wife! Not only that, you were the original model for the painting he did of Mom! 

Defoe: Jane, I know you must be very hurt right now, but you have to understand that morals were a bit different in the 60's. I'm pretty sure your parents told you that. 

Jane: So, what happened after you left de Koonig, you homewrecker? 

Defoe: I wound up pregnant with his son. I gave him up for adoption. I never told him because he was having a difficult time with his wife then, and he already had one illegitimate child to cope with already--his daughter Lisa , whom he had with Joan Ward. Jane, you're just mad right now because you just realized that two people you held to high esteem have just been proven to be rather human. I don't blame you if you are angry, but please try to understand. 

Jane: Oh, I understand, all right. When I get back to school next Monday, I'm going to withdraw from your class, and I don't care if I wind up not graduating due to being a couple of credits short over this. I looked up to you, and now I find out that you're no different from everybody else. Come on, Tom, we're leaving right now. 

(She and Tom leave. As they step out, they unexpectedly see that Daria and Trent have arrived themselves.) 

Daria: Oh, there you are. Trent took me up here to see how you two were doing. 

Jane: (She doesn't need a double whammy like this right now.) Oh, you came up here to spy on me, didn't you? You set her up to this, didn't you, Trent? 

Trent: No, I didn't, Janey. 

Jane: I bet you wanted to see if Tom and I slept together. 

Daria: Well. . . 

Jane: Well, for your information, we did. 

(Daria has a look of shock on her face.) 

Daria: Jane, does it really matter if you had sex with Tom or not? 

Jane: All of a sudden, my whole life is collapsing around me. First I find out that the only teacher I really like in school was a trollop who fooled around with one of my favorite artists, then I find out that my only friend in the world and my big brother have been snooping on me! I just can't take this shit! 

Daria: Jane, if you just calm down and think this over. . . 

Jane: (Losing it.) SHUT UP, DARIA!!!!!!!!!! (She suddenly slaps Daria across the face. Suddenly, Jane is shocked.) Oh, my God! What have I done? (She runs off, bravely trying to conceal her tears from everyone.) 

Tom: Jane, what's the matter? (He runs off after her.) 

(Ms. Defoe now steps out of the barn.) 

Defoe: Is everyone all right? 

Daria: Now I know how Sailor Moon felt when Sailor Mercury slapped her across the face during their final battle against Queen Beryl. 

Trent: Man, Janey's never been like this before. 

Defoe: We've got to get some sense into her. 

(Tom runs back.) 

Tom: Guys, Jane's just driven off! She's really pissed off at everyone right now! 

Daria: Trent, why do I have the feeling history is going to repeat itself? 

================================================================ 

Scene 9: Along Fireplace Road, Springs, 2:00 PM Monday. 

================================================================ 

(We see the Neon drive down the road above the speed limit. Jane is really pissed off at the world right now.) 

Jane: Why is everybody in the whole fucking world against me right now? Daria, Trent, Ms. Defoe, every last fucking one of them! (She floors the accelerator to the floor. Suddenly, it gets stuck.) What? Come on, get unstuck, get unstuck! 

(We now cut to the car, which is now speeding down the road. Now, suddenly, it misses a curve in the road, and shoots off it. Cut to Jane, who now screams in horror. Sudden cut to black, as we hear a crash. There is no music as we see a widescreen shot of Jane slapping Daria across the face in slow-motion and in a purple tint with the "Daria" logo superimposed over it.) 

================================================================ 

COMMERCIAL BREAK # 2 

================================================================ Announcer: Coming soon from Mark Zero Fan Fiction: "Adam-12: The Lost Animated Pilot"! 

(We hear "Theme from 'Adam-12'" playing as we see Officers Jim Reed and Pete Malloy approaching their car. Sgt. MacDonald, however, stops them.) 

Mac: Reed, Malloy, can I speak to you for a second? 

Malloy: Sure, Mac. What's up? 

Mac: We're assigning a K9 unit dog to your car. (We now see a chocolate Labrador retriever bound in.) Reed, Malloy, please meet your new partner, Ralph! 

(Ralph now stands up, and extends his paw.) 

Ralph: Please to meet you, Jim, Pete. 

Reed: Mac, you saying this mutt's going to be working for us now? 

Mac: You said it. 

Malloy: Jeeze laweeze! 

Announcer: See how the producers of this stillborn animated series tried to water down this show to appease the tykes who were watching typical Saturday morning fare in the 1970's! 

(We now see some bank robbers fleeing from a bank. Cut to Reed and Malloy's car.) 

Sharon Claridge (28): One-Adam-12, One-Adam-12, see the man, bank robbery at 1359 La Ciegna Boulevard, handle code 3. 

Reed: One-Adam-12, roger. 

Malloy: Let's roll! 

(Cut to the car speeding down the street, it's lights flashing and its sirens wailing. They see the robbers and cut them off. Reed, Mallloy and Ralph bound out of the car, with their guns drawn.) 

Malloy: Freeze! Police officers! 

Ralph: Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, Pete! This is the animated version of your show we're doing now! We can't have gun play on here! It's against FCC rules, and it'll infuriate Peggy Charren! 

Malloy: Then what do you want us to do then? 

Ralph: Just leave it to me! (He goes to the bank robbers and nips them on their butts. They howl and hop around in cartoon fashion.) 

Malloy: That did it! When a dog shows you up at your own job, it's time to pack it in! I'm retiring now and getting my pension! 

Reed: I should have listened to Dad and entered the hardware business. 

Announcer: Also, see the cheesy public service messages Reed and Malloy had to do with Ralph! 

Ralph: Remember, kiddies, don't take candy from strangers! 

(We see Reed, dressed as a stranger, approach a kid with some candy bars.) 

Reed: Hey, kid, want some candy? 

(Ralph now goes to Reed and bites him on his butt. Reed howls in pain.) 

Announcer: Don't miss "Adam-12: The Lost Animated Pilot"! Coming soon from Mark Zero Fan Fiction! 

(Another commercial. We see the author of this story hanging at the corner of Warren and Glen Streets in Glens Falls, New York, near the torch where the Olympic Flame stayed overnight while on its way to the 1980 Winter Olympics in Lake Placid, New York. Fate and Chance, Diane Long's pet cats, approach. The author now approaches them with skinny cigarettes filled with catnip.) 

Guerin: Hey, kitties, how would you like to get high? I've got catnip reefers, only $10 a pop! 

Fate: Our owner told us never to do catnip reefers! 

Chance: Yeah, besides, catnip reefers are addictive, and you can OD on them and die! 

Guerin: Oh, that's crap, man! The fuzz just wants you to believe that so you won't try it! C'mon, try it, please? 

(We cut to the roof of the nearby St. Mary's-St. Alphonsus Catholic School, where some FBI agents, DEA officers, New York State Police Troopers, Warren County Sheriff's deputies and Glens Falls Police officers are staking out the area.) 

FBI Agent: OK, guys, let 'em have it! 

(We now cut to the sky, where we see an Army UH-1 Iroquois "Huey" helicopter aloft with a 16 ton weight. The chopper drops the weight, and we see it fall on top of the author. Fate and Chance walk away. We now see someone who looks and sounds like Rod Serling walk into the scene.) 

Serling: Cats who smoke catnip reefers are big losers! So, don't do catnip reefers! This has been a public service announcement from the Partnership for a Catnip-Reefer-Free American Cat Population and this station. (He now picks up one of the reefers, lights it up, smokes it, and gets high.) Man, this stuff isn't bad! 

(We now hear a police whistle, and a London Bobby a/la/"Monty Python's Flying Circus" apprehends Serling.) 

Bobby: Right! Off you go to jail! 

(They walk away.) 

================================================================ 

ACT 3 TO GET READY, NOW GO CAT GO! BUT DON'T YOU STEP ON MY BLUE SUEDE SHOES! YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU WANT BUT DON'T YOU DARE STEP ON MY BLUE SUEDE SHOES! 

================================================================ 

Scene 1: A ravine some distance off Fireplace Road, Springs, 2:30 PM Monday. 

================================================================ 

(We witness this scene at first from Jane's point of view. Her eyes begin to open, and her vision's blurry at first. Her vision refocuses. She can see that the airbag deployed on the car.) 

Jane: (Weakly.) Oh, great. There goes my damage deposit. (She now tries to get up, but she feels a throbbing on her head. She puts her hand to her head and wipes it. She can see blood on her fingers.) Oh, my God! (She lapses into unconsciousness.) 

(We now cut to the exterior of the Neon. It's very badly smashed up. Pan to the left as we see Daria, Trent, Tom, Ms. Defoe, Smith and some EMS technicians climbing down the ravine.) 

Daria: Good God, there she is. 

Trent: Janey! (He runs to her side.) Janey, speak to me! 

Tom: (Joining Trent.) Jane, are you OK? (He listens closely.) She's breathing, at least. 

(The EMS technicians try to open the door, but it's jammed.) 

EMS Technician # 1: Get the jaws of life. This door won't budge! (The other EMS technician runs off to get the device.) 

(Daria now goes to Jane.) 

Daria: Jane, you stupid bitch, you wanted to see where Jackson Pollock lived and you go and nearly emulate how he died. How could you? 

(The other EMS technician returns with the jaws of life.) 

Tom: Daria, I'm sorry about this. . . 

Daria: I don't want to talk to you right now, you bastard. (She begins to climb the ravine again, trying her best not to show the fact that she's nearly on the verge of tears.) 

================================================================ 

Scene 2: Southampton Hospital, Lewis Street, Southampton Village, Town of Southampton, Suffolk County, New York, 3:30 PM Monday. Background music: the opening guitar riffs from "Wait 'Till the Summer's Gone" by Zebra. 

================================================================ 

(We're in the waiting room. Daria, Tom, Ms. Defoe and Smith are here, waiting to hear about Jane. Trent now enters.) 

Trent: I called my folks as well as yours, Daria. They're going to be taking the next flight out to MacArthur Airport and get up here as soon as possible. 

Daria: Thanks, Trent. 

(A doctor now approaches the gang.) 

Doctor: Mr. Lane? 

Trent: Is Janey going to be all right? 

Doctor: Your sister is one very lucky woman right now. She just suffered a mild concussion, a minor scrape and some minor bruises on her arms and chest. If she wasn't wearing her seat belt and if that airbag didn't go off, she'd be dead right now instead of just resting. That concussion did knock the wind out of her sails, but after getting her injuries tended to and after she gets some rest, she'll be OK. 

Tom: Thank goodness. 

Defoe: When can we see her? 

Doctor: Oh, I figure about seven. She should be well-rested then. 

Daria: Then perhaps we can get to the bottom of all this. 

Defoe: Oh, Daria, I didn't know Jane was going to react like this when she found out the truth that I partly inspired de Koonig's nude painting of her mother. I just feel so bad about this. 

Daria: It isn't your fault, Ms. Defoe. People like you were sowing your wild oats back in those days. Even Mom and Dad did some of that when they were in Middleton College. 

Tom: (Perking up a bit.) Oh, really? 

Daria: (Almost embarrassed to tell this to someone she loathes right now.) Well, maybe one of these days, when we can all look back at all this and laugh, I can tell you all about it. 

Tom: Sure, Daria. 

Daria: Right now, we'd better wait for my parents and Jane's parents to arrive. 

================================================================ 

Scene 3: Jane's room at Southampton Hospital, 7:00 PM Monday. Backgroundmusic: the opening piano riffs from "Where's the Orchestra?" by Billy Joel. 

================================================================ 

(We see Jane here, resting. She's wearing a typical blue patient's smock and has a bandage around her forehead. She hears a knock on her door.) 

Jane: Yo! 

(Amanda and Vincent now enter the room.) 

Amanda: Hi, Jane. Is everything all right? 

Jane: Yeah, I think so. Got whacked upside my noggin when I veered off the road. It's ironic. I went to see where Jackson Pollock lived and I also imitated how he died because I was so mad at Daria and Ms. Defoe. How stupid can one person get? 

Vincent: Well, what matters is that you're all right. The doctors said you should be OK to go in a couple of days. It's a shame you won't be able to see Mystik Spiral playing at the Salty Dog in Huntington tomorrow night. 

Jane: Trent and the boys are playing there? Is that why Daria joined them? 

Amanda: I spoke to Daria before I came in. She said she only was thinking of you when she decided to come up. 

Jane: Well, I thought she was snooping around to see if I was sleeping with Tom, that snitch. 

Vincent: Well, Jane, did you? You can tell us; we're your parents. 

Jane: (Blushing a bit.) Well. . .we did. (Adds this a bit too hastily.) But we used protection. 

Amanda: We understand perfectly, dear. You're a grown woman now. If I dare say so myself you were always a bit more mature for your age when you were growing up. 

Jane: Well, if that's the case, why did I run myself off the road and nearly got myself killed? 

(As if he picked the worst time to barge in and do this, Jake enters, bearing a bouquet of flowers for Jane. Helen and Quinn enter behind him.) 

Jake: Hey, Jane, my kiddo said I could find you here. I brought you some flowers. 

Amanda and Vincent: Kiddo? 

Jane: (Rushing through this.) Uh, well, it's kind of a long story. (To Jake.) So, Jake, where's Daria? 

Jake: She's with Ms. Defoe right now at the cafeteria. She said she'll be here in a little bit. 

Helen: Jane, I think we have a good case here. We can sue Suffolk County for negligence and claim that they should have had better guardrails on that road. (29) 

Jane: Helen, I am not in an ambulance chasing mood right now. 

Quinn: Why don't these people who make these hospital smocks have any fashion sense? That shade of blue is so passé. 

Jane: I'll write a letter and let them know, Quinn. 

Quinn: Don't bother. I already called Candy and suggested it to her. 

Jane: (Thought voice-over.) And, knowing her, she's probably put that in the circular file. If Sandi was still in charge, she'd seriously would have followed up on that suggestion. 

Amanda: I'm just glad you were able to show up when this happened, Helen. 

Helen: Well, after all, Jane seems to be the only person Daria really likes as a friend. I just had a bit of trouble finding someone to baby-sit Molly. (30) 

Vincent: Who did you finally find? 

Helen: I had that Mack person Daria happens to know baby-sit for her. 

Amanda: Helen, how is Daria taking all this? 

Helen: Frankly, I don't know. 

================================================================ 

Scene 4: The cafeteria at Southampton Hospital, 7:30 PM Monday. 

================================================================ 

(Daria and Ms. Defoe are seen here at a table. Ms. Defoe has some hot water. She takes out a bag of herbal tea and begins to steep it. Daria has a cup of hot chocolate.) 

Defoe: I didn't expect Jane to take this revelation as hard as she has. 

Daria: Well, she does look up to you. Sometimes I think she looks up to you a lot more than she does to me. She's the only teacher she really likes at Lawndale High. 

Defoe: I was hoping that she would have understood. I guess I was wrong. 

Daria: It isn't your fault exactly, Ms. Defoe. I guess it's the kind of world view that she and I share. Life has so much crap that we tend not to trust anyone--well, almost not anyone. I guess she had a lot of high hopes that you didn't do anything that would blow up this image she had of you being above all of life's crap. 

Defoe: I guess perhaps she set a lot of high standards for me. 

Daria: (Almost in an air of amusement.) You remember the time Mr. O'Neill asked his English class to make a movie? 

Defoe: Of course. 

Daria: I remember when I decided to do the film Jane and I were working on about Quinn that my mother warned me that I often set rather rigid standards for everyone and that I sometimes don't live up to them myself. I guess I should have learned something from that, but I guess I didn't because I got so pissed off at Jane when she began going out with Tom. Why do Jane and I always wind up in situations like this, where we find out that people aren't living up to the ideals we have set for ourselves, and that even we ourselves are guilty of that? 

Defoe: Daria, life isn't easy. It isn't easy whether you're an accomplished artist like Jackson Pollock or Willem de Koonig, or if you're a teacher like me, or even a teenager like you and Jane. No one can always live up to the expectations that others have of them. Even images can be an illusion. 

Daria: I think I found that out the hard way when I was trying out those contacts that time. 

Defoe: I think if there is one thing we need to learn from all this is that perhaps we should give some latitude to others who aren't exactly like us, Daria. OK, I'm not exactly asking you to like the Angela Lis and Sandi Griffins of this world, but perhaps to be a bit more tolerant of them. I've had my disagreements with Ms. Li and Sandi, I'll even admit they can be real bitches at times. But I have to learn to cope with it. They don't exactly share my viewpoint on a lot of things, but I learn to understand. 

Daria: But wouldn't that be selling out? 

Defoe: It isn't selling out if you still believe in what you do. Also, you and Jane have to realize that even the two of you aren't going to live up to your own standards all the time. (Looks at Daria's boots.) Besides, I always wanted to have a pair of boots like that. 

(Daria now lets out a bit of that Mona Lisa smile of hers.) 

Daria: You know, I think I'm beginning to see things a bit differently now. Thanks. 

Defoe: Don't mention it, Daria. Just never give up in what you do believe in, but just realize that there are others out there who aren't exactly like you and respect them for it. 

Daria: Does that mean I can't give Kevin a noogie if he does something moronic like call Mack "Mack Daddy"? 

Defoe: (Smirking a bit.) Well, I guess some people have to learn things the hard way. 

================================================================ 

Scene 5: Jane's hospital room, 9:00 AM Tuesday. Background music: the opening guitar riffs from "Precious Time" by Pat Benatar. 

================================================================ 

(Jane's taking it easy right now. There's a knock on the door.) 

Jane: Yo! 

(Daria now enters.) 

Daria: So, what's up, Jane? 

Jane: I'm doing OK, I guess. 

Daria: Jane, we need to talk about something. 

Jane: Sure. I'm all ears and earrings. 

Daria: Jane, I have to admit ever since you began going out with Tom we've been at each others throats. 

Jane: Yeah, I guess our lives are beginning to resemble an episode of "Jerry Springer". 

Daria: Jane, the only thing is, other than Molly, Mack, Jodie, Raye and Amy, you're the only person I really seem to like around here. I guess when Tom entered the picture, I felt threatened. 

Jane: No, threatened is when you're walking down a dark alley somewhere in Brooklyn and someone's stalking you. 

Daria: Let's face it, Jane, I've really been acting like a horse's ass at times, haven't I? 

Jane: Well, that's putting it mildly. 

(Trent, Tom and Ms. Defoe now enter. Trent has a boom box with him.) 

Trent: Hey, Janey, Daria. 

Daria: Hi. 

Jane: Yo! 

Tom: How you feeling, Jane? 

Jane: Better. 

Defoe: I've heard you'll be discharged from the hospital tomorrow. 

Jane: None the worse for wear. 

Trent: Janey, I know you won't be able to make it to the concert tonight, so the boys and I made this tape of this new song we're going to be premiering then. Want to hear it? 

Jane: Sure. Why not? 

Trent: We call it "Jackson Pollock". 

(Trent goes to the boom box and starts the tape going. We can hear a charging guitar intro, followed by savage drumbeats.) 

Trent: (On tape.) I splatter the paint on the canvas./Splatter my heart into it all./Then life became depressing/And out of control/So I splattered my soul/ON FIREPLACE ROAD!!!!!!!!!! 

(Guitars pick up to a crescendo.) 

Chorus: I SPLATTERED MY SOUL ON FIREPLACE ROAD!/I SPLATTERED MY SOUL ON FIREPLACE ROAD!/I SPLATTERED MY SOUL ON FIREPLACE ROAD!/I SPLATTERED MY SOUL ON FIREPLACE ROAD! 

(More monster guitar riffs.) 

Jane: Pretty impressive, Trent. 

Trent: Thanks, Janey. I dedicated it to you. 

Daria: Gee, that was touching, Trent. 

Tom: Man, I'm impressed. 

Jane: They better alert the Recording Academy and let them know there's a potential Grammy winner here. 

Trent: Cool. 

Jane: Anyway, Daria, maybe you should tell Tom what you just told me. 

Tom: What's that, Daria? 

Daria: That I've been acting like a horse's ass since you began dating Jane. 

Tom: Well, that's understandable. Believe me, Daria, I am not a threat to your friendship with Jane. 

Jane: Well, I guess I've also been acting like a horse's ass myself these past few days. I guess I shouldn't have reacted the way I did, Ms. Defoe. 

Defoe: It's OK, Jane. I guess you weren't prepared to find out that the person you looked up to the most is only as human as you are. 

Jane: Yeah, well, I didn't expect you to wear Supergirl's baby T-shirt and miniskirt, though I could have accepted you in Batgirl's outfit. (That familiar evil smirk now returns to her face.) And I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions about your coming up here either, Daria, even if you were right. 

Daria: Well, it looks like everyone's good about themselves again--or at least as good as we're usually are, which isn't saying much with us. 

Trent: I hope you can make it to the concert tonight, Daria. 

Daria: Oh, I'll make it all right. You can count on that. 

Defoe: Well, if you don't mind, I'm going to get something to eat at the cafeteria. 

Trent: Cool. 

(Ms. Defoe now goes out to the corridor. She now passes someone who has some of Willem de Koonig's looks and perhaps some of her own. He's a man in his late 20's to early 30's with blonde hair and blue eyes. He's seen mopping up the floor of the corridor. The man takes a look at Defoe.) 

Man: Excuse me, Ma'am, but you look familiar. Do I know you? 

Defoe: I'm afraid I don't remember you. 

Man: Funny, but you look like my birth mother. I was adopted by a couple who still lives here in the village. They say she looks somewhat like you and that my father was rather famous. 

Defoe: Perhaps someday you will find her, as well as your father. 

Man: Perhaps I will. Nice meeting you, Ma'am. 

Defoe: Same here. (She walks away. Thought voice-over.) You know, he does look like the son I had by Willem de Koonig. But is he really? I guess I'll never know. 

Man: (Thought voice-over.) You know, she looks like my birth mother. But is she really? I guess I'll never know. 

(The man now takes out a sketch from his wallet that he made by himself of the person who's supposed to be his mother. She looks very much like Defoe. The man puts the sketch back in his wallet and sighs.) 

================================================================ 

Scene 6: The hallways of Lawndale High School, 7:45 AM Monday of the next week. 

================================================================ 

(We see Daria and Jane going down the hallway. They're soon joined by Raye, who's wearing a chartreuse sweater and chartreuse pants. Jane still has a bandage over the gash on her forehead.) 

Raye: So, how was your artist's pilgrimage to Long Island, Jane? 

Jane: Could have been better, Raye. I missed a couple of days after the accident, but after I got out Tom and I picked up where we left off. Daria and Trent joined us as well. 

Daria: Did you know that Willem de Koonig received both the Presidential Medal of Freedom and the Order of Orange-Nassau, the highest honor that the Netherlands can bestow? (31) 

Raye: I didn't know that, and I'm a fan of his work. 

Daria: There's a lot about de Koonig and Jackson Pollock you probably didn't know about. We'll tell you more about it at lunch. 

(They continue to walk as they pass star quarterback Kevin Thompson, head cheerleader Brittany Taylor and football captain Michael Jordan MacKenzie, alias Mack.) 

Kevin: Hey, Brittany, you ready for the annual Winter Carnival coming up this weekend? 

Brittany: (Twirling her hair around her finger.) MMMMMMM, you bet I am, Kevvy! 

Kevin: You all set for it, Mack Daddy? 

Mack: Kevin, for the last time, (Screams.) DON'T CALL ME "MACK DADDY"!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!! (He runs down the corridor out of his mind.) 

Daria: Excuse me, but I have to take care of something. (She goes up to Kevin.) Kevin, Ms. Defoe said I could do this to you. 

Kevin: What's that, Daria? (Daria now gets him in a headlock and noogies him.) OWW! HEY, CUT IT OUT, DARIA! 

Daria: (Letting Kevin go.) I won't do that again if you stop calling Mack "Mack Daddy". (She now rejoins Jane and Raye.) 

Kevin: Man, what crawled up her butt and died, Brittany? 

Brittany: MMMMM, I don't really know, Kevin. 

(We now cut to the backs of Daria, Jane and Raye going down the corridor. This is sort of a homage to how some episodes of "Beavis & Butt-Head" ended, with the two of them going down the sidewalk towards the horizon.) 

Daria: We've realized we made some goofs last week. 

Jane: We got jealous at each other. 

Daria: But we realized we're only human. 

Jane: Now we're back, putting down everyone again. 

Raye: (Putting her arms around Daria's and Jane's backs.) And all's right with the world again. 

(Freeze that final moment as the closing credits begin to roll. "Take Your Fingers From My Hair" by Zebra begins to play as the closing credits begin to roll and we see the alter egos. The alter egos include: Mr. DeMartino as Marilyn Manson; Jane as Greta Garbo in that famous pin-up pose; Kevin as Old Deuteronomy from "Cats"; Ms. Li as Queen Elizabeth II at her throne reading the Queen's Speech during the State Opening of Parliament; Daria as Mary Richards from "Mary Tyler Moore"; Quinn as Jean Grey from "X-Men"; Mack as the superhero Steel in his armor and wielding his sledgehammer; Andrea as Kitana from "Mortal Kombat"; Upchuck as Donald Trump with Brittany as Ivana Trump; and Jake as a Good Humor man in a Good Humor truck. The "Daria" logo can be seen as the closing credits end. Fade to a shot of sweaty hands over a piece of gray metal as an ominous timpani drum roll can be heard in the background; the left hand is holding a gray die while the right hand is holding a sledgehammer with a black head and yellow handle. The sledgehammer hits into the die twice, with a loud "CLANG!" each time. However, at the second time, the hammer hits into the left thumb, causing it to redden and swell. The person holding the hammer and die drops them, and then turns to the audience; he's none other than the author of the story himself, a man with brown curly hair, blue eyes and glasses. He screams "OUCH! I HIT MYSELF WITH THE !@#$%^& HAMMER!", then walks away. We now see that a red computer zero [a zero with a slash through it] has been chiseled into the metal. Above the zero is white Roman lettering saying "MARK", while white Roman lettering below it says "FAN FICTION," and below that is white Roman lettering saying "UNLIMITED". We now hear the kettledrums booming as "Bugler's Dream", the music ABC used in their coverage of the Olympics during the 1970's, begins to play, as we see a special graphic saying: "MARK ZERO FAN FICTION--THE OFFICIAL FAN FICTION COMPANY OF THE 2000 SUMMER OLYMPICS" with the 2000 Summer Olympics logo below that. Cut to a picture of the author, below which is the caption "PETER W. GUERIN--THE OFFICIAL O'NEILL/BARCH SHIPPER OF THE 2000 SUMMER OLYMPICS" below it. Fade to black.) 

================================================================ 

ENDNOTES 

================================================================ 

(1) Pollock died in 1956 when his car slid off Fireplace Road, rolled over, ejected him, and he plowed right into a tree; he is buried at nearby Green River Cemetery, where a huge boulder recovered from nearby the East Hampton Town Dump marks his grave.--Ambulance Chaser Peter. 

(2) Trent introduced that song in "Outbitched".--Peter McCarthy. 

(3) If you've been paying attention to the last few fics, there have been some changes in membership in the Fashion Club.--Grand Poobah Peter. 

(4) That happened way back in "The Dinner Date from Hell". --Peter Guerin, the Not-Quite-Frugal Gourmet. 

(5) It's true that Albany International Airport (which is actually located in the Town of Colonie, a suburb of the New York State capital), has among the highest airfares in the nation (as well as the rest of Upstate). It's considerably cheaper to take a flight from JFK, LaGuardia, Newark International, Montrèal, Hartford, Connecticut or even MacArthur Airport in Ronkonkoma on Long Island than from Albany.--Unfriendly Skies Peter. 

(6) Cohalan's change of heart from being against the plant to being for it then going back to being against it proved politically fatal to him. He decided to take the honorable way out: he resigned to run for New York State Supreme Court Judge (a position held by his father, John Cohalan). The controversial plant--constructed by LILCO (now LIPA after the state took it over)--was eventually decommissioned and torn down before it even got to generate one watt of electricity.--Atomic Peter. 

(7) Before capital punishment got nationwide sanction by the Tokugawa shogunate, that was the ultimate punishment that was meted by the central government in medieval Japan, since it brought much dishonor. This is not to say, however, that those so punished did not commit seppuku (the ritual stabbing of the samurai sword into the intestines that is colloquially known in the West as hara-kiri) upon learning of their fate. --Lord High Executioner Peter. 

(8) For an excellent treatment of how Jake and Helen met, read C. E. Forman's "Fireworks" (and, C. E., if you're reading this, come back; all is forgiven! :-) ).--Flower Power Peter. 

(9) The Morgendorffers and the Landons went there for a picnic in C. E. Forman's story "No Picnic".--Ranger Peter Smith. 

(10) Raye was introduced in "Daria's Slapshot".--Peter Gretzky. 

(11) This race will be looked at further in the future story "Dirty Campaign".--Peter Nixon. 

(12) It was revealed in "Daria's Slapshot" that Raye is half-Japanese, half-American; her father was a U. S. Army solider while her mother was the miko or priestess of the Shinto shrine in Okinawa where her father was stationed at.--Peter no Kami-Sama. 

(13) For a glimpse of that, read C. E. Forman's "No Picnic". --Peter "The Feral Version of Boo-Boo Bear" Guerin. (14) In "Daria's Slapshot", Raye mentions that she's the miko of the Shinto shrine above the Pizza King. One of the duties of the miko is to banish demons, throwing a scroll with the phrase "Akuryo Taisan!", or "Begone, demon!" written on it, and shouting that phrase as well. You can see that in action in many scenes with Rei Hino in the original Japanese version of "Bishôjo Senshi Sailor Moon".--Ghostbuster Peter. 

(15) Richie is Michelle Klein-Häss' husband, and did indeed once played for Uncle Floyd's stage band. The Oak Beach Inn (or OBI for short) was the center of controversy for over twenty years. I wish to thank Michelle for the information about the band Richie was in. --Peter "I Was There!" Guerin. 

(16) Quinn had been grounded after Jamie made her pregnant in "Suffer the Children".--Recap Peter. 

(17) I made up "Louise" for Quinn's name in "The Dinner Date from Hell". --Peter William Guerin. 

(18) Although London is the capital of Great Britain, the Palace of Westminster (which is the official name for the building where Parliament sits and is still considered a royal residence, though no British monarch has lived there for close to 500 years) is actually in the City of Westminster, which is separate from the actual City of London. Both, however, are in the Borough of Greater London, which is like how Washington is in the District of Columbia. --the Rt. Hon. Peter W. Guerin, MP. 

(19) In Britain, taxes and rates are two separate things. Taxes refer to what we know as income taxes while rates are what we know as property taxes.--Taxman Peter. 

(20) Heath, who served as Prime Minister from 1970-1974, has been with the House of Commons since 1950; he now is a Conservative member for Old Bexley and Sidcup. He holds the title of Father of the House, which is given to the member who's had the longest unbroken service in the House. He and Labourite Harold Wilson (served as Prime Minister 1964-1970 and 1974-1976) were immortalized in the Beatles song "Taxman" ("Uh, uh, Mr. Wilson! Uh, uh, Mr. Heath!").--Mr. Speaker Peter. 

(21) The Academy Award-winning actress has been a Labour MP for Hampstead and Highgate since 1992; she is now running as Labour's candidate for Mayor of London, which will be popularly elected for the first time in 2000.--Hizzoner Peter. 

(22) Taiwan's Congress has been involved in several noted donnybrooks recently.--Chaing Kai-Peter. 

(23) Mondello was instrumental in D'Amato's rise from being Hempstead Town Presiding Supervisor to U. S. Senator. However, under Mondello's tenure, the GOP in Nassau first lost its physical majority on the old Board of Supervisors (while maintaining a slim one-vote margin in weighted votes), then lost a Federal case where the Board was declared unconstitutional, then lost its majority on the new County Legislature that replaced the Board. Mondello will certainly be finished if County Executive Tom Gulotta does not get re-elected in 2001.--Peter Margiotta. 

(24) Before Long Island became predominantly suburbanized after World War II, it was known for its potato farms and fishing and whaling industries. It is now illegal under New York State law to fish for striped bass off Long Island due to pollution and endangered species concerns. In 1992, Billy Joel and East Hampton Town Supervisor Tony Bullock were arrested for illegal striped bass fishing. --Down'Easter Peter. 

(25) There has been much speculation in the #Daria+ and #Lawndale chat rooms as to whether Jane is a virgin. Some, like Michelle Klein-Häss have speculated that she's had some sexual experience, while others like myself think she hasn't. This scene isn't exactly going to resolve matters one way or the other; it's just my interpretation of matters. --Peter the Eunuch. 

(26) I'm using as a model for this dream sequence the interior of St. John's Lutheran Church in Sayville, New York, where I used to go to when I was still living on Long Island.--Pastor Peter. 

(27) That's my tip of the hat to Diane Long, a/k/a Smoochy_Jane, who has a habit of throwing "pink 'maters" at everyone at the Outpost Daria Message Board.--Peter "No 'Maters Were Harmed in the Making of this Fan Fic" Guerin. :-) 

(28) Sharon Claridge was a real-life LAPD dispatch officer who lent her voice to the series.--Sgt. Peter Friday. 

(29) Fireplace Road is also known as Suffolk County Road 41; it therefore would be maintained by the Suffolk County Department of Public Works.--Superintendent of Highways Peter. 

(30) Molly Andrews was taken in by the Morgendorffers in "Booted!" --Summarizing Peter. 

(31) He received the former in 1964 from Lyndon Banes Johnson; he was one of the first recipients of the award since its restructuring as the highest civilian award the United States can bestow; the latter he received in 1979 in honor of his 75th birthday.--Sir Peter of Chichester. 

================================================================ THE END 

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CLANG! CLANG! OUCH! I HIT MYSELF WITH THE !@#$%^& HAMMER! 

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